“LET GO OF ANY NEGATIVITY THAT YOU HOLD INSIDE YOU”
This was something that my Yoga teacher said every time I would close my eyes for meditation. I would often wonder, how could we ‘exhale’ out a negative thought- it isn’t air, right? How could that be logically possible? However, I never asked her that, out of fear of offending her.
Years later, as an adult, I do practice meditation, and I still hold on to negativity from the past. There have been incidences which left a deep impression on me, deep enough for me to ruminate about them even after years.
Talking about them never helped actually. I could never explain my well meaning friends why the things that seem trivial to them ,bother to me even after years. They often gave me generalized advice, and with every advice, I would feel a bit more bad about myself and question my worth. Why couldn’t I be normal? Why couldn’t I move on? Why couldn’t I care less? Trust me, I did read every self-help blog and book, watched every video, and attended all the boot-camps I could get. Yet, this feeling stayed, like something bothersome.
It wasn’t until a phone call with an old friend that the things began to change for me. We were on the call, and our talks shifted to olden days. I spoke about an incident that had happened about ten years ago, and how it embarrasses me to this day. How I was not able to forgive myself even after years. She said just one thing-
“Dear!!! People forgot about that incident long back. It has been around ten years, and there was little you could do about it. People don’t really care about such things.”
To be frank, that hit me really hard. I had been putting myself through a sheer torture for ten years, and it didn’t matter- like to no one. It gave me a bad taste. I changed the topic that day, but kept thinking about it.
Why couldn’t I let it go? Why was I still not out of the loop? I slept with those thousand whys? The next morning, I had an epiphany- that I was doing it all wrong… I sat down and wrote my 5 step formula to let go. I hope it works for you as well.
To be frank, these are steps that I have been taking to get over these things, and has developed over years, than a single day
Disclaimer: This is based on my personal experiences, where a past incident made a cut on my self esteem. However, if you are suffering from something deeper, do think of seeking professional help. May you heal from your traumas. Let’s read my story now.
1. Acknowledge it- Completely
There is one thing that I have understood from narrating my experience a million times to million odd people- people may empathize with you, try to understand you, be kind to you, but no one , absolutely no one can completely understand how you feel about it. For instance, how much would you care or think about a person who slipped on the stage during your school annual function, unless that person is you? That is how the World goes. We do not always understand completely other person’s circumstances , nor do they ours, even when we have best intentions in our mind. Therefore, it becomes absolutely necessary for us to acknowledge our trauma. It becomes imperative for us that some incidences in past are painful to us, they make us uncomfortable and anxious. That we wish we wouldn’t have experienced it, but there they are — as a part of our life, that we don’t seem to forget. Acknowledge it, know where it hurts. Even when it seems trivial to you and others. There is something incredibly powerful pin that I read on Pinterest which stayed with me, which says:
Just let that sink in.
2. Write about It- As Many times As you Want
There is a reason why writing a journal is so widely popular. Writing your thoughts down actually helps you decipher your thought better. Experts say that it activates your logical brain, thus reducing your emotional agitation , and helping you get calmer. So, if you are a sport , do try this experiment.
Keep at least 3–4 hours at bay. Now, sit in a calm, quiet and comfortable place, and start writing that incidence down, first in first person narrative. So if we carry forward our previous example, my story will go like:
Hi Diary,
That year on the annual day, I slipped on the stage. Do you know how embarrassing it was? I was supposed to play that part really well, but what I did? I fell down. My drama teacher had trusted me with that responsibility , and I failed at it. I even forgot my dialogues later. I was such a disappointment. Even my drama teacher was disappointed in me. He didn’t say anything, but I could feel his disappointment. Shit, I am such a mess…
Write to your heart’s content. I must warn you, this might make you cry… SO, keep a box of chocolates handy… But, I would suggest that let your emotions flow. It is okay to cry,wail , howl even… just let it go.
After you are done… try to write the same incidence as a friend’s narrative. It might sound something like:
Heyy Diary,
Do you know what happened today? X fell on stage during annual function. Luckily, she wasn’t hurt in anyway. But her courage was commendable. She still kept it going and said her lines. Well, she fumbled a bit. That is completely okay. This girl would do great in her life.
You can add as many narratives as you want to this list: your school bully, your enemy, your drama teacher, your parents- anyone and everyone you want to , but you should definitely end this with a stranger’s narrative… In our case, a parent who came to watch that annual function
Heyy Diary,
The day was good. It was A’s annual day. Well, they should do something about the parking at her school though. I spent like 15 minutes finding a spot, and could see only the last part of the play . So, yeah, it was good. A looked adorable in her costume. The stage was good. Play was well scripted, and well executed. Well, erm, a kid did fall on the stage. I hope she was okay. But so proud of the kids, they play their roles so well, even at this age…
See, the (well-meaning)stranger didn’t even care for your fall the way you thought they did. They just cared for your well being and didn’t even notice your fumbling. As you write more and more of such narratives, you realize that you weren’t really that bad. That it was not too good, but okay to happen. Over the time , you finally accept that sh*t happened, but you can be okay in spite of it.
3. Break Away -One Step at at Time
Often , incidences in our life determine our identity. One bad race makes you a bad athlete. One burnt toast makes you an incompetent cook… or does it not work like that? When it comes to our daily routine, we let the trivial things stop us from following it. However , some incidences scar us for life. Perhaps, because they were important to us, or because they put what we held important to stake.So, when you fell on the stage for that one time, you got a little agitated. It got aggravated with your thoughts, and you were afraid to climb on the stage for a long time. The fear came back every time you were asked to do something on stage , and you would avoid it… Over the time, it developed into a full fledged stage fear, where even the thought of saying your name in front of a group filled you with the fear.
Nothing happens overnight, and neither has your fear mushroomed up one Sunday night. It is series of things that happened, but there’s something that triggered it, and that is what stays in your mind. So, being isolated and neglected at school might have made you a people- pleaser, because you felt others’ approval is necessary in order to survive, and did activities which were best for your survival. Being publicly scolded led to anxiety over time. Overeating to gain someone’s approval/ beating stress led to eating disorders Or anything like that… Over time, this people pleasing , anxious self became your identity.
James Clear has written this noteworthy book called ‘Atomic Habits’, where he writes about the importance of small, incremental changes in life. Trust me, I could not agree more to it. He speaks of how these seemingly insignificant changes , when aggregated over time, can lead to a complete change in your perspective and personality… and this actually works… If you don;t believe me, try climbing stairs for 20 days in a row, and tell me if you don’t feel a bit more energized on 21 st day…it works.
However, there’s a catch. These steps would work if the changes are made in right direction , consistently. So, it is imperative to understand what is that we are trying to change. Perhaps, climbing stairs is a bad option, if you are facing knee pain. You can then start by walking around the yard. When it comes to getting over people pleasing, a simple thing like going to a restaurant with someone , and ordering ‘your’ favorite dessert can give a power boost to your self esteem.
Pro Tip: If you are someone who finds it difficult to stay consistent, try incremental consistency… Do it for two days in a row, then three, four… and over time, you will become a consistent person.
4. Create New Memories
Well, this came from my Dad… So, a huge thanks to him. Well, memories… human brains have a large part dedicated to memory, and an average human brain spends most of its time reliving the past. Well, it was supposed to make us efficient. There would be like a handful of things that we are anyway going to do, so why not, just do them once and store them in memory. So, your favorite icecream still stays your favorite, even when it has lost its taste… and a dog that bit you when you were 5 , makes you profusely sweat every time you see a member of the canine family. I totally understand that some of these are not as easy as they sound. An unexpected layoff might have left you stressed about your ongoing job, and every time HR calls you might seem to be the end.(Even when they give you an increment). Being ridiculed for expressing your thoughts, might make it extremely difficult to speak up. A failed relationship might have left you scarred. Failing at that one important exam gives you a panic attack every time you appear for a test.
The best way to leave these painful memories is by creating new memories. Isn’t as easy as it sounds, but certainly doable… Note down every time you are praised at work, or get an increment, and take your loved ones for a treat. Take incredibly easy online test, and celebrate when you pass them. Tell your coworker, or even your spouse about your thoughts on , I don’ t know, Cheese cake may be? Take an adventurous trip, and let yourself know that you could exist and enjoy your life, even without having a partner…
5. Build A Community
Well, this sounds counterintuitive to me ,even as I write it. As an extremely shy introvert, I always found it difficult to connect with individuals , let alone be a part of the community. However, my experience says that simple acknowledgement of the fact that there are people who face similar problems and have similar beliefs can help us heal a lot. A kind friend who might not understand your problems, but is kind enough to listen makes a huge difference. It is an adult equivalent of taking test with your class, or having your mom by your side when you do your homework. No one is going to actually solve your problems for you, but their presence might give you enough confidence to do it on your own… So, make your community and make it wisely
That was my 5 STEP coping plan. I hope this might help you in some way, and help you tread through the deep waters. There is a chance that you will make mistakes, a lot of them, but allow yourself to deal with them. Be Patient and Consistent… and most importantly, be aware that you might fail miserably at this, and that it will be okay, rather much better than inaction. I don’t know about success , but trivialising failure as an outcome rather than dreading it, makes the process incredibly effective.
Happy Healing!!!
